To Breathe in Technicolor
by Ashesofthesoul
Summary: The world is grey, until the day you lay eyes on your destined soul mate. It's supposed to be beautiful. No one ever warns that it can hurt. (Germancest, major character death. Commission for fancy-pantaloons on tumblr)


The world had always been grey. This wasn't something unique to Gilbert, it was just how things were. Everyone's world was grey, until they met the person they were destined to spend the rest of their lives with. Mother had told him that when you found your mate, the world exploded into such vibrant, awe inspiring tones that it took your breath away, and Gilbert believed her completely.

His whole life, he'd looked forward to meeting his soul mate. To seeing something more than the grey and black tones that filled his everyday life. What would it be like? What would his love be like, tall, short, skinny, chubby, boy, girl? As excited as he was to know, those things didn't honestly matter to him. All that mattered to him was that they would be his and would bring that color into his world that mother talked so lovingly about.

No one ever told him it could hurt. No one had ever braced him for the feeling of his world falling apart.

He'd had a long day. Roderich had been bitching at him all day at work, until his head was pounding. Elizaveta had once more come squealing to him about how wonderful color was, how wonderful prissy pants was, how wonderful everything was. And as her best friend, Gilbert was happy for her, truly he was. But did her happiness have to come in the form of someone who hated him so fiercely? It wasn't like he'd ever done anything to the Austrian, apart from saying he looked like a girl once.

So when the German had arrived home and gotten the voicemail on his phone from his two best friends, inviting him out to to have a drink, he'd been more than a little happy to accept the invitation. At least then he could drink away his irritation. Besides, Francis and Antonio always provided good company, the three of them had been inseparable since they were toddlers.

Gilbert hummed to himself as he looked for a parking spot in front of the bar. Francis had told him it'd be easy to find one for his motorcycle, but it seemed he'd underestimated just how busy it was tonight. After all, he and Antonio lived close enough that they didn't have to drive, they could simply walk and be at the bar in a minute.

With a quiet grumble under his breath of, "If Maria gets damaged, Fran is paying to get her fixed, so help me.", Gilbert pulled into an abandoned parking lot down the street, parking his beloved bike carefully against the brick wall of the nearest building.

That was when he heard it. The quiet shuffling from behind the dumpster on the other side of the parking lot. Most would have ignored it, and Gilbert would have been wise to do so too. But he had never been overly praised for his wisdom, and curiosity was gnawing him. After all, it was probably just an old alley cat, right?

Except that the quiet crying Gilbert heard as he approached couldn't have been made by an alley cat. Nor could the barely audible cry of "Help me! Please.. please help me!" With renewed concern, Gilbert moved faster, until he was at the edge of the dumpster. The German took a deep breath, calming himself and bracing for whatever it was he was about to see. He wasn't scared. Of course not.

Except that maybe that was a lie.

His teeth chattered in anxiousness, his stomach feeling as though it were doing flips as he walked around the large metal bin, just to freeze, breath catching in his throat, forming a painful lump as his heart began to race. There on the ground lay a man, much younger in face than him, although easily bigger than Gilbert himself, sobbing weakly, clutching at his stomach. "Help me…" He whispered, over and over again, not even noticing the older man who now stood there, stunned and afraid.

Gilbert didn't notice the color creeping into the edges of his vision. He didn't see the blue sky. He didn't see the rusty brown of the brick buildings. No. All he could see was the ruby red liquid staining the mans hands, staining his close. Oh God. Oh dear God, no. This was his love, the one he'd waited so long to see. The color that was supposed to be so vibrant and beautiful only seemed terrifying, even as Gilbert made himself move. He crouched near the man's side, gently lifting him and cradling him close to his chest, stroking through his hair. "Shhh… shhh, love, it's alright. I've got you." He told him, continuing to stare in horror at that red, even as he pulled out his phone and desperately dialed for help.

There was no way they would get there in time. In the back of Gilbert's mind he knew that, even if he refused to acknowledge it. And so he tried his best to comfort the handsome blonde in his arms, keeping him close and stroking tenderly through his hair. "It's going to be ok. I've got you, Hasi, it's going to be ok." He swore.

Hazy blue eyes tried to focus at the sound of the others voice, finally clearing enough to see. Ludwig was stunned by the beautiful color that all at once covered everything, but mostly… he found himself staring into ruby gems, so filled with concern, tears sliding down porcelain cheeks. It was beautiful. He didn't even know this mans name, and even through the pain, Ludwig couldn't help but be thankful. He'd gotten to meet him. At least once, he'd gotten to see the man he'd been dreaming about in full vivid color. "Your eyes…." The blonde breathed out, awestruck as his eyes began to haze once more, his body stilling. No more did his chest move with breath, cerulean eyes staring unseeing at Gilbert's face.

And Gilbert wept. He buried his face in the soft blonde locks, sobbing brokenly as he continued to cradle the now still man to his chest. Memorizing every detail he could. The exact shade of blue of the others eyes. The feel of his golden locks against Gilbert's fingers. What he looked like down to the last detail. Gilbert didn't want to forget anything.

That was how the paramedics found them, the blonde man dead in Gilbert's arms, the older one sobbing brokenly as he cradled him so delicately it damn near broke the paramedic's hearts. He wouldn't let them take his love away from him. Gilbert screamed, crying and kicking, doing anything he possibly could to keep his now cold soul mate in his arms. To pretend this was a bad dream, until finally he was sedated and put in the ambulance alongside the one he'd lost.

He'd never even gotten to know his soulmate's name. Not until they were at the hospital, where Ludwig's mother sat sobbing. Not until it was far too late to ever say it the way he wished. To ever hear his own fall from his destined one's lips.

Gilbert shut down after that. He stopped eating. His sleep was filled with nightmares of his love's quiet voice, pleading to help him. What if he'd gotten there only a few moments earlier? Would he have been able to save him? That thought gnawed at him, every day, even as he himself began to waste away. His friends would call, and Gilbert wouldn't pick up, instead unplugging the phone from the wall.

For the first time in his life, despite the beautiful colors that now filled his world, Gilbert felt as though he were living in grey. Nothing held joy, nothing held anything but sorrow. Every happy couple Gilbert saw served to break his heart more, every family reminding him of what he'd lost. It had been two months after Ludwig died that it had finally been revealed what had happened. There had been a gang, one of whom looked a lot like the handsome blonde Gilbert had watched die. Upon a rival gang member spotting Ludwig as he'd emerged from his apartment building, he'd seen an opportunity and taken it, stabbing the nineteen year old in the stomach and disappearing into the night.

He'd never even been caught, and Gilbert was left even more broken than before, knowing it was all a mistake. Ludwig, his precious Hasi, had been stolen from him on a misunderstanding. He would never hear his love's laugh. He would never hold his hand. They would never kiss each other goodnight, or cling to one another as they slept. All because someone hadn't taken the time to double check a face.

That was the final blow to Gilbert's sanity. He spent his days lying in bed, sobbing into his pillows and clinging to them tightly, praying he had gotten the opportunity to know comfort from the one who was his and his alone. He allowed himself to pretend, imagining the others arms around him, large calloused fingers brushing tenderly through his hair as a strong, deep voice whispered that everything would be alright. It was a lie, but a pretty one, and Gilbert almost believed it. But it wasn't real. It wasn't real, and he knew it wasn't real.

It was on the six month anniversary of Ludwig's death that Gilbert finally decided he'd had enough. He had to see his love, at least once more. The German slipped on his thin coat, heading out into the night. The snow lay thick on the ground as he made his way to the outskirts of town until finally, he reached it. The rickety old gates creaked open slowly, and Gilbert found himself moving purely on instinct to the grave he hadn't seen since the day of the funeral. Now that seemed like forever ago.

The silver haired man kicked aside some of the snow, making a spot for himself against the cool marble stone, carefully cleaning it off and letting his eyes travel over the words once more as he made himself comfortable on the ground.

Here lies Ludwig Beilschmidt. 1990-2009. Taken by angels far too soon.

Nineteen. His Hasi had been so young… he'd had so much left to see, so much life left to live. Gilbert didn't even notice the tears running down his cheeks as he leaned forward, forehead resting against the cool stone as he took a shuddered breath. "Ludwig…" He breathed out, not feeling the cold that began to seep through his bones. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't find you in time. I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I want… I want so badly to have known you, Hasi. To know what you liked, what you were passionate about. What scared you. I want so badly to have gotten to hear you laugh, even once. Everyone told me it would get better. That maybe the color was a mistake. That I'd meet someone else. But I know they're wrong. I know because of how brilliant your eyes looked, even empty. I know because of how badly I ache for it to have been a dream." Taking a shaky breath, Gilbert continued. "My name is Gilbert, Hasi. I'm a few years older than you, twenty three to be exact. I like- no. I used to like motorcycles and cars. Fixing them up, building them from scratch. I have one sibling, Dieter, but I haven't seen him since he was five. It's only been my mom and I since then. Your mom told me it was only you and her too. She said you were a good boy, who loved cars, just like me. She said you would have been excited to help me work on Maria. That's my bike. She told me you were desperately shy, but that when you opened up, you brought joy to anyone and everyone lucky enough to be near you. Honestly, I believe her." A sob fell from his lips, then another, and soon, the shaking had moved to his whole body, the German quaking almost violently as his fingers curled into the stone. "I think we would have been happy together, Hasi. Maybe in another life, we were. Maybe in another life, we'll be together and happy. Maybe we'll have a family, and you'll hold me every night and sing to me, and I'll wake you in the morning with a kiss and a warm breakfast. I hope so. God, that's all I pray for. But I just… it hurts, Hasi. It hurts knowing you're gone. It hurts knowing we'll never have any of that. I… I love you. I do. I know you can't hear me, but I.. want so bad to have been able to tell you that. To have you smile at me and say it back."

With that, Gilbert curled a little closer to the headstone, his body numb and his lips blue as he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift to sleep there in the snow, clinging to the last thing of his soulmate he had.

And for the first time in months, he didn't see red.


End file.
